It isn’t easy being neurodivergent in a neuronormative world. There often is a mismatch between what our brains and bodies need as neurodivergent humans, and what is acceptable within a neuronormative society. To compound this, many of the most commonly recommended ways to self-care (e.g., mindfulness, deep breathing, yoga, spa days, etc.) don’t always work for neurodivergent people, which can leave us feeling like we are doing self-care wrong.
In 1988, Audre Lorde, most known for her writings on lesbian feminism and racial issues, wrote in A Burst of Light and Other Essays*, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” It is exhausting fighting to be allowed to exist neurodivergently, and many of us experience burnout and low energy capacity because of the toll this fight takes. Self-care for neurodivergent humans, then, is a political act. It’s an act that says, “I am worthy of care,” and it is fundamental for maintaining mental, emotional, and physical well-being as a neurodivergent human.
So let’s look at four types of self-care for neurodivergent people – sensory self-care, setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and engaging in activities that bring joy.
Embracing sensory self-care
Most neurodivergent people experience some sort of sensory difference. A lot of the time, these sensory differences cause us distress and make life more difficult. Consequently, avoiding sensory overwhelm is an important part of neurodivergent self-care. Get comfortable with using sensory supports like ear plugs or ear defenders (Loops* are my favourite), or coloured glasses to reduce the glare of fluorescent lighting (I have found the GloFX Color Therapy Glasses* in pink to be helpful). Cutting out or avoiding problematic sensory input is a great way to reduce the overall load on your neurodivergent nervous system.
The flip side to feeling distress from some types of sensory input is that when we find something sensory that we enjoy, it can bring us great joy. To find your sensory joy, I suggest experimenting to see what feels good to you. Maybe it’s sensory avoidance under a weighted blanket or in a dark room, or maybe it’s indulging in activities or foods that meet your sensory-seeking needs. Once you find your sensory joys, intentionally engage in these experiences both when you are dysregulated and when you are not.
Learning when to say “yes” and “no”
Many neurodivergent people are people pleasers, which means that we have a hard time saying no to others. This may be because saying “yes” helps us feel accepted or because it helps us not rock the boat or stand out, which ultimately keeps us safe from being a target. While it may keep us safe in some ways, it also means that we are often putting the needs of others ahead of our own which isn’t sustainable. This ultimately drains our capacity and leads to burnout.
It is incredibly self-caring to learn to say no to experiences and demands that drain your capacity. It can even feel freeing to say no (even though at first you might experience a sense of panic or anxiety until your nervous system learns that the world will not end if you say no). When saying no, remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. You are allowed to simply say, “no,” and leave it at that.
As important as it is to know when to say no, it’s equally as important to know when to say yes! Say yes to experiences that feel nurturing, that bring positive connection, or a sense of living in your values. These are experiences and people that fill your bucket rather than drain it. Figure out how to distinguish a bucket-drainer from a bucket-filler, and then honour your capacity by self-caringly saying yes or no accordingly.
Practicing self-compassion
Most people are harder on themselves than we are on others, and this is doubly true for many neurodivergent people. Find and cultivate a self-compassionate voice, a voice inside your head that reminds you that you are doing your best, and that you are allowed to make mistakes (all humans do!). I keep a file on my phone of nice things people have said to me or positive feedback that I have received from clients, and I often refer to these when I have a moment of rejection sensitivity or just not feeling quite so self-compassionate. Remind yourself that you are human, that humans are imperfect, and your worth is not determined by your perfection or your productivity.
Finding your neurodivergent joy
Many neurodivergent people are deeply feeling, meaning that not only do we experience deeply distressing emotions, but that we also can experience deeply pleasant emotions. Figure out what brings you joy – maybe it’s indulging in a special interest, connecting with other neurodivergent people, or spending time alone at home with your pet. Make time for experiencing that joy as often as possible. If you can’t find a lot of time for joy, just notice and appreciate the glimmers of joy that happen in your everyday life – the smell of your cat’s paws, the first sip of coffee in the morning, your child’s joyful body movements, etc.
Knowing when to seek support
Sometimes, self-care involves reaching out for support, maybe from a good friend or partner, or a counsellor. Seeking support is a sign of strength and a proactive step towards fostering your mental health. So if life feels like too much, reach out and ask for support. The Find a Neurodivergent Counsellor directory on my website may be a good place to start.
It’s important to remember that self-care is not a one-size-fits-all concept. Not everything I have suggested here may work for you. But, I hope some of the ideas I’ve shared will bring peace, joy, and safety to your unique neurodivergent brain and body!
For a deeper exploration of Autistic self-care, I am excited to delve into Self-Care for Autistic People: 100+ Ways to Recharge, De-Stress, and Unmask!* by Dr. Megan Anna Neff which is set to be released on March 19, 2024. I love Dr. Neff’s resources at Neurodivergent Insights, and I am sure this book will not disappoint!
Some legal disclaimers: This post does not provide medical or therapeutic advice and is intended for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Each individual is unique, so please do not ignore professional medical advice because of something you have read on this site.
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