Supporting neurodivergent kids and teens to find their own path

I’ve been reflecting lately on how we learn as kids in the school system that there is one “right” path to follow in life. This path typically looks like: go to school, graduate high school, go to post-secondary, get a job, get married, have a family, retire, die (if you’re lucky you have many years between those last two steps!). Many neurodivergent kids will be able to follow this path (with varying levels of support), but many will not, depending on their particular flavour of neurodivergence and how much support they have access to. 

I blame capitalism

The “right” path I described above is societally-approved because it furthers the goals of capitalism: to keep the power in the hands of those who have the power by maintaining the status quo. Because we live in a capitalist society, money equals survival. However, the lie that capitalism tells us is that your ability to make money equates to your worth as a human being. If we believe this lie, then following the path to maximum earnings becomes a moral duty.

Yet, I think deep down most of us know that this is false – your ability to make money does not make you a better, more worthy person. If this was true, billionaires would be the best people out there and we all know that isn’t the way it plays out 99.99% of the time!

If we start to shift our thinking away from equating earning money with morality, we can start to open up space for more ways of being as valid. We can start to see that there is no one “right” path, but rather that there are many life paths that humans may follow, and that no one path determines a person’s worth.

On their own timeline, in their own way

Neurodivergent people often do things on their own timeline and in their own way. Shifting our lens to many paths being valid means that we can give neurodivergent kids and teens (and even neurodivergent adults!) space and time to find their own way, with support being offered where they need it. 

To demonstrate this, let’s try a lens shift on graduating high school since this is commonly seen as the first major step needed to achieve monetary success. It is true that most people will graduate high school, and most jobs will require a high school diploma. But what about other paths? 

• What if you were homeschooled and did not get a diploma? 
• What if you decided to leave high school to pursue your interests before graduating? 
• What if you took longer than your peers to complete high school and aged out before completion? 
• What if you couldn’t keep up with the demands of school? 
• What if your mental health, physical illness, learning disability, intellectual capacity, or home life prevented you from being able to complete schoolwork?
• What if you were forced out of school by the system not supporting your needs as a learner?

Do all of these paths lead to a life of unemployment? The short answer is: no. For example, after the age of 25 you can be admitted into university as a mature student without having a high school diploma, and there are many jobs (such as entrepreneurship, performing, apprenticeship, etc.) that don’t require a diploma. It may also be possible to take an extra year to complete high school requirements beyond the typical graduation age. Not having a high school diploma does not necessarily lead to unemployment, and sometimes not rushing into post-secondary employment and/or education can give neurodivergent teens time to figure out what they really want to do in life after high school.

But what if an individual cannot sustain employment? This can be the reality for some neurodivergent people, particularly if they experience chronic illness or other marginalizations in addition to being neurodivergent. Government disability programs (e.g., in BC, there is the Persons with Disabilities – PWD – program) can help with monetary support for those that qualify. Does needing to access disability support make you less worthy of a person? Definitely not, and I believe we need to normalize needing to access government disability supports as a way to sustain life in a capitalist society by removing the moral judgment that often comes along with it.

How to support neurodivergent kids and teens to find their own path

Now that we know there are many paths in life, how can we best support our neurodivergent kids and teens to find their own path? 

First, I suggest not asking “what do you want to do with your life?” This direct question can be difficult for neurodivergent kids/teens to answer, and may lead to feeling pressured to give a false answer or may bring up shame when they don’t know how to answer. Instead, I suggest observing them and creating space for them to figure out their path both on their own but also with your support. Notice their interests, their strengths, things they enjoy or that they hate, and their sensory needs. Be open to both what they tell you directly and indirectly. Support their interests as much as possible, but also recognize that passionate interests do not have to lead to employment – sometimes passions can just be passions for fun and enjoyment!

Second, don’t pressure them to make choices before they are ready to do so. In BC, teens are encouraged to make choices about their careers in Grade 10 (age 15) because the courses they take in grade 11 can impact post-secondary plans – that is really such a young age to be making these choices given that their brains aren’t fully in adult-mode until age 25!  In my pre-counselling life as a teacher, I can attest to the fact that the majority of 15-year olds have no idea what they want to do with their lives, so why do we make them choose at this age? Because the universities require them to do so. If we can normalize either taking time off between high school and post-secondary or going to a college (that doesn’t require specific high school pre-requisites) over university, we can give kids the time they need to learn more about themselves so they can make informed choices for their futures.

Third, if they identify a goal but are having difficulty getting there, help them figure out different ways to achieve that goal. For example, if they want to go to university but are struggling with the executive functioning needed, work with them to develop hacks and strategies that can help bridge the gaps. Scaffold skills that they may still be working on (don’t assume they do or do not know how to do something based solely on age). Don’t withdraw supports prematurely or perhaps at all – if it seems like they no longer need supports, this might be because the supports were working! Normalize not doing things in the same way as peers. Part of being neurodivergent is that we often do things differently than neurotypical people might, so use that divergent thinking to find a way to help them get to their goals.

Lastly, support them in whatever path they choose. If you wanted them to go to university but they decide that university is not right for them, support them. If they are unable to work and need to apply for disability support, support them. Ultimately, it is their life and their choice of what that life looks like. Rather than shaming them for the path they will follow, let them know you are proud of them for being them. Your support can be physical support (e.g., monetary help, help with executive functioning like completing forms, letting kids live at home for longer than what society expects, etc.) and/or emotional support (e.g., reducing shame around following different paths than their peers).

Reminders for parental guilt and worry

Parents want the best for their kids, and it can be scary to see your child following a different path than what you imagined for them. As parents, here are some things to say to yourself when the worry and doubt creeps in:

• My child’s mental health is more important than their grades.
• My child’s mental health is more important than how much money they make.
• My child is lucky to have a parent who supports them to find their own path in life.
• Even if their life doesn’t look like how I thought it would, that is okay.
• I can’t control what my child decides to do with their life, but I can control the love and support I choose to give to them.
• Good parenting is responding to my child for who they are, not who I think they should be.