How to respond when someone tells you they are Autistic

The word “Autism” comes with a lot of societal stigma and misinformation. When disclosing to someone that they are Autistic, many Autistics find that instead of getting an affirming response like “Congratulations!” they are told something like, “but you don’t look Autistic.” When this happens, it leaves Autistics with two choices:

1. Spend time and emotional energy educating the other person on what Autism can look like (which may or may not be fruitful since it depends on the other person’s openness to learning)
2.  Say nothing and feel awful that your identity has been invalidated

Neither of these options respect the vulnerability shown by a self-disclosure of Autistic identity. As an Autistic, when I choose to tell someone that I am Autistic, I am opening myself up in a very vulnerable way since I don’t know how they will react. Five years out from diagnosis, I have practice and a pretty thick skin when it comes to invalidation, but many late-identified Autistics are still building their Autistic identity and the invalidation that comes from others can deal a heavy blow to self-esteem and sense of identity.

Things to say instead of invalidation

So what if we imagine a different way that this conversation could go? What if, even if you don’t believe that the other person is Autistic, you tried focusing on validation of the personal information they have just shared with you? It’s not going to cost you anything. You can still believe they are not Autistic, but you don’t have to try to take that hard-won identity away from them.

Imagine that part of your identity is being a parent. If you told someone you were a parent, how would it feel if they said, “but you don’t look like a parent?” That would feel pretty invalidating, right? And also kind of silly, since who are they to judge whether you are a parent or not?

So how could this look instead? When someone tells you that they are Autistic, a simple “congratulations” is a great place to start. If you are willing to take it further, let the Autistic person know that you want to hear more about what being Autistic means to them (but don’t expect them to want to take the time to share).

Taking it one more step further, educate yourself on what Autism really is, and don’t rely solely on depictions you see in the media. A good place to start is with Dr. Devon’s Price’s book Unmasking Autism*, or with Reframing Autism’s free course Autism Essentials. You’ll also find a wide variety of resources on Autism in my Resources section.

Affirming statements

Let’s take it even one step further. What if you had truly affirming responses that would not only validate their Autistic identity, but reassure them that they are a valuable human that you appreciate? Here are some ideas for what you could say:

• You are worthy of support – what can I do to help support you?
• I appreciate your perspective.
• Your way of experiencing the world is valid and important.
• You deserve to feel proud of who you are.
• Your presence makes my world a better place.

So the next time someone tells you that they are Autistic, consider whether it is right to invalidate this precious information that they have trusted you enough to share. Instead, I would encourage you to respond with intentionality, affirmation, and care.