Neurodivergent people very often get the message that our ways of being are not acceptable to societal standards. This can lead us to doubt ourselves and cause self-gaslighting. This post will look at some of the most common ways that neurodivergent people self-gaslight.
What is gaslighting?
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines gaslighting as “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”
In recent years, gaslighting has become a common term to describe interpersonal interactions where there is a lack of understanding or validation (whether this is done intentionally or unintentionally). One might also suggest that society as a whole has been gaslighting neurodivergent people for a very long time! But what happens when the person who is not understanding or validating your experiences is yourself? That’s where the concept of self-gaslighting comes in.
What is self-gaslighting?
Self-gaslighting is when an individual undermines or invalidates their own thoughts, feelings, perceptions, or experiences. It involves distorting or denying your reality, often as a result of internalized doubt, shame, or external influences such as societal norms or abusive relationships. When we self-gaslight, we convince ourselves that our emotions, memories, or judgments are inaccurate or not worthy of consideration. This can lead to self-doubt and decreased self-esteem.
I think it’s likely self-gaslighting is more prevalent in neurodivergent people than in neurotypical people because it often occurs in response to internalized negative beliefs (such as internalized ableism) or external pressures to conform to societal standards (both very common neurodivergent experiences). All humans need community and a sense of belonging. I believe we self-gaslight to try to mold ourselves into what we believe will be acceptable to others so that we can feel that sense of belonging and acceptability that we so desperately crave. Unfortunately, this rarely leads to true belonging, and we also lose the connection with ourselves.
So if you are a self-gaslighter, how can you stop? The first step is always awareness. As you read through the following list, check in with yourself (without judgment) on whether you ever find yourself doing any of the following self-gaslighting behaviours.
Ten ways neurodivergent people self-gaslight
- Doubting the validity of your neurodivergent experiences or struggles.
- Blaming yourself excessively for difficulties related to your neurodivergence.
- Minimizing or dismissing your own accomplishments or strengths because they don't fit into societal norms.
- Rationalizing ableist attitudes or behaviors as acceptable or deserved.
- Invalidating your own unique perspectives or ways of processing information.
- Convincing yourself that your sensory sensitivities are exaggerated or insignificant.
- Ignoring the impact of societal barriers on your ability to meet neuronormative standards.
- Making excuses for others' lack of understanding or accommodations for your neurodivergence.
- Telling yourself that you have to mask because people won't like the 'real' you.
- Accepting negative stereotypes or misconceptions about neurodivergent traits as true.
If any of these resonate with you, start by noticing that you are telling yourself something that may not be true. Get curious and examine it – play the devil’s advocate by asking yourself, “what if this isn’t true?”
Try to cultivate a loving, self-compassionate inner voice to counter the self-doubt that comes from self-gaslighting. Try asking yourself, “if a friend told me that they were feeling this way about themself, what would I tell them?”
Lastly, I have found one of the best ways to stop self-gaslighting myself is to be immersed in neurodivergent community. When you find other people who have similar experiences to your own and discover that you belong just as you are, this can greatly reduce self-gaslighting.
I hope you have found this post helpful. If you have, I would greatly appreciate it if you share it with others who may also find it useful. Thank you for your support!
Some legal disclaimers: This post does not provide medical or therapeutic advice and is intended for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Each individual is unique, so please do not ignore professional medical advice because of something you have read on this site.
